Four years since the last post. Life is what happens when you blink your eyes. I do not consider this  a triumphant return in any sense of the phrase. I turned to the blog (all three posts of it) when I was going through a bit of a weird, awkward, rough stretch in my life. I turn, again, to writing when it seems like I have to do something to express myself. I should not have abandoned this as I did and I have every intention of maintaining a more diligent upkeep of this project. With that being said, I started this blog as a "stream of consciousness" type of project as you can tell from the scatter brained and vulgar occurrences through previous posts. I am going to maintain that sort of mentality of writing what comes to mind and not delete things I have written save for spelling or grammar errors. I am, however, going to try and sort my thoughts out before vomiting them onto the page. I am also going to throw in pictures too. That sounds like fun. Who doesn't love pictures? I mean, that is what I paid attention to in school, not this boring text blah blah blah...

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*So, since we are pretty much starting from scratch, if you don't like what I have to say, then read the above picture. The internet is a vast and mysterious place, find somewhere else to squat.

AND FINALLY without further adieu, my thoughts from the week.

This last week reminds me of a quote from a famous novel by Charles Dickens.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair, we had everything before us, we had nothing before us, we were all going direct to Heaven, we were all going direct the other way"

The last week has been both a blessing and a curse. A roller coaster in the utmost extreme sense of the word. One week ago tomorrow I was standing in front of someone signing papers to become an owner of a brand new car. I was growing up! I was becoming an adult! And damn, did it ever feel good. The new car smell made love to my nostrils and I was on cloud nine. I strike my signature 12 places and I drive off into the sunset to have a weekend full of beer and staying up far later than I should. Fast forward one week and I am in a hospital room trying to hold back tears as I am gathering courage to tell my grandmother that I love her for what might be the last time. Life does not take a break, nor does death. I sat there for hours with my family gathered round not knowing what the next breath could mean. 

This week has taught me to not be so petty. That I shouldn't get so caught up with my own bubble. Extreme events can add perspective and it is the daily challenge we face to not lose sight of these perspective shifts. It is so difficult to maintain that mentality but I am sure to catch myself if I begin feeling self absorbed. Like a sponge fallen in dirty dish water, that sort of attitude can become toxic. Be well, live well and love well. Hopefully the next post has a cheerier tone to it; it is not my intent to be a "Debbie downer" but knowing it is always darkest before the dawn makes going through a tough patch easier. And having the best family and friends in the world doesn't hurt either. 

Until next time.

The next installment

Back story: We moved into our new house in early November and since then, have been getting settled in to our new territory. In the months that I have lived here I have been able to meet my neighbors and their various animals, one of which, I am pretty convinced is an angel. This cat is something special. It is white with grey and the best part? Three legs. He just struts his stuff like a boss. We (roommate and I) have coined the name "Triceralegs" for him. My first meeting with him was the sort of meeting where you just get comfortable with each other. I pet him gingerly and he stared back cautiously at me but still allowing me to pet him. This was just the beginning of an epic tale.

The moment I knew that this cat was some sort of angel came on a Thursday morning. Here, in the spring, it is quite rainy and we rejoice when the sun finally comes out from it's misty covers and warms the world like a blanket and fire on a cold night. This morning was one of the first sunny days since the cold winter and the wet spring time. The sun was putting on a show.

I woke up that morning having an oddly pensive and calm morning. I went downstairs in my robe and in my glasses with my hair still styled by my slumber. I started in the kitchen by brewing some coffee to aid me in the days adventure and poured myself a nice bowl of cereal. I put on some music to fill the void of the empty and quiet house. The first song that came on was a new song I had discovered a week earlier called "Generator First Floor by the Freelance Whales. I recommend you listen to the song while you read this next part because it will add a whole new layer to this story.

I sat down at the head of the table in a beam of light with my cereal fresh poured and my coffee steaming. The song was going on in the background and at that moment I was completely content with life. It was one of those days that makes you realize what you live for, and then it happened. From the corner of my eye I see movement and when I look it was none other than Triceralegs looking at me and asking  with his eyes for me to come pet him. As I opened the sliding door he just started walking towards me again with his slight hobble. That was when I knew he was more than just a cat. "we get up early just to start cranking the generators..." I leaned down and I pet him. We were having a mutual moment of life clarity.We both knew this was a special moment. As the song came to a close we looked each other in the eye and I knew he was telling me it was his time to go now and he disappeared around the corner. I sat in the sun in a stunned silence at what just happened and finally went back inside and finished my breakfast knowing, that without a doubt, this was going to be one Hell of a day and this was only the beginning.

Copious Amounts of BEER.

So here we are. It is Thursday now. Monday was a therapeutic time and that is over. It's now time to delve into the deep stuff. The stuff that really matters. The thoughts of the Motha Flippin week.

Being a college student, I am encouraged to think and to analyze. To critically analyze and think. To look deeper than what is apparent on the surface. Easier said than done. Well, throughout class or in a dreamless state of nothingness waiting for the sandman to take me away I have these random spurts of inspiration. These are just a couple form the week:

Kids need thicker skin nowadays. Bullying is no laughing matter I agree, but man. You cannot let words that people say effect you the way they do. If someone has enough tenacity to say something that makes you feel less than you actually are then you have to realize that they are more troubled than you. I don't know what my parents did while raising me to make me impervious to these childish remarks that will make a 13 year old cry now. "You're a pussy!" Well cool... I'm glad? What exactly is that supposed to do? Make me think of a woman's phallic region? That only makes me want to masturbate, sorry. This was something that popped into my head while listening to my professor rattle on about how today's youth is at risk because of bullying. And while we are on this tangent, for FUCK'S sake! Video games DO NOT make serial killers or mass murderers... If they did, then I would be the next Charles Manson. If you don't know who that is...
A. Wrong generation.
B. Stop reading.
C. If you're still reading because you find my thought processes mildly interesting, JFGI.
D. If you don't know what the acronym JFGI stands for, google it...
E. You will be embarrassed.

Anyway. Back to what I was saying. Wait... What was I talking about anyway? Thinking and critical something or other? Cool. Sounds like a fucking plan. Let's do it.

So I said in my last post that girls prompted me to start this. That is partly true. And the reason that is true is because I was in a drug induced rage thinking about things I shouldn't have been. But who does what they are supposed to? Anyway. I digress. So. I had this thought the other night as I was falling asleep. Before you fall asleep you always think about someone. I wrote down my exact thought in a much more thoughtful manner than I could ever reproduce right now so I will just write what I wrote when I wrote it so I could write it right here... I hope I lost you right there. That was my whole goal in life.

The person you think about right before you fall asleep is the person you have the strongest feelings for. The hard part to discover, and this is only discovered through internal exploration, is why. Why do you think about them.

So looking back on it, my thought could have been much more eloquent.. but that is pretty good for semi conscious shenanigans but it is never the less true. The person you think about right before you fall asleep is playing an important part in your life whether you like it or not. I stilll haven't figured it out and I probably won't until I am happy where I am. I'm not just talking happy like seeing flowers and butterflies being trompled by unicorn sort of happy but the sort of feeling you get sitting by a warm fire with hot chocolate surrounded by the people you love.Yeah. You just felt how great that was.

Pretty great huh? Welcome back to reality. I play feelings like a fiddle. Well, it is getting to that point in the night and I have people to think about and I bet you do too. Think about them, cherish those thoughts, know why you are thinking them, and ACT on them. Do not second guess your subconscious. 

Typical Monday Jazz

It just so happens to be a Monday night. Some consider it a Tuesday morning but who are they anyway. To me it is Monday and that is just the way it is going to be. Tonight was one of the most relaxing nights I have had in a very long time. There was bouldering at the school's rock gym and hot damn, it was pretty fun. By the way, if I appear eccentric, it is probably because I am. I am only 21 years old and who gives a fuck if my mind wanders. It is set on the things that matter and so I feel comfortable letting my mind wander on the existential and silly things in life. This is my first post here and I feel comforted that I can post these ideas under the guise of anonymity. You [the reader] can't judge me for who I am or what I do and that is nice. Welcome to my deepest, darkest [possibly disturbing at times] thoughts. Throughout this blogging experience you will experience digressions like none other. You will read of my inner joys as well as my inner angst. Welcome, my friends, to my world and my thoughts of the week.

It was a late evening on February the 6th, and late is what I love best. A night owl I am. Tonight was a night that I'm not sure that I have an equivalent experience to relate it to. I drank a Pinot Noir from the Willamette Valley that was rather delectable. If you didn't read that in a rich snobby upscale voice I suggest you go back and do so. Might make you smile. It made me. Smile that is. Starving college student drinking wine far out of his league. Oxymoron would be an adequate description. See? Digression. Maybe as my thoughts coalesce these posts will become more of a one way street but right now I will settle for a downtown  Vietnam street at rush hour. The wine was accompanied by some stellar company. One of my roommates who indulges in the art/social/thought provoking pastime of smoking Hookah. Unadulterated shisha is most often what is used. To open a mind you do not need mind altering substances. Now don't get me wrong. I do enjoy certain substances that make you think a little bit "outside the bun" but constant use of these substances makes you lose touch of reality which is too God damned nice to take for granted. You know you are in the company of friends when you can say what is on your mind. You need the comfort of listening ears; something far too rare in my generation. At least ears that are truly listening. Not ears that will convert incoming sound waves into ambiguous blithering bullshit of agreement lacking substance and critical thinking of the statement made. Queue Facebook anyone?

A little hard on today's youth. Yes. But true. Oh well. I have to figure out my own future before I can worry about the fuck ups of tomorrow. Maybe some day I can have a little shit headed fuck up of my own but the Lord knows I am not ready for that sort of shenanigans.

At this point I have said 'God' and 'Lord' in this short piece of writing. I need to let you know that I am not a particularly religious person. I feel that believing in religion MAKES you be good so you can live in the afterlife in the clouds with more do-gooders. <---( Made that shit up... Nah just kidding.) My problem with religion is that it seems like people are more worried about being punished and fearing penitence rather than BEING GOOD FOR THE SAKE OF BEING GOOD. Do not pass judgement, Do not pass go, Do not collect your 72 virgins. Not for me. Burn in Hell for all eternity for eating bacon? No thanks. I think you catch my drift. And if you find my opinions about religion offensive and you think you can turn me onto the path of HOLY RIGHTEOUSNESS then I respectfully ask that you discontinue reading and fuck off. Do not ask me to be part of your youth group, it isn't for me. Sorry.

I am writing all of this without editing (save for the occasional spelling error) so what I have said has come from a stream of consciousness that cannot be undone. I do not aim to offend but sometimes there is collateral damage. Casualties of war; you know how it goes. Speaking of war. Holy shit. Let's allocate some of that defense budget to within our borders shall we? Anywho. I could go on Fa Day's (ha) on that subject.

So 2011. I have been alive for 21 1/2 years and am now realizing the extent and enormousness of the world. Things that I thought were a big deal aren't so big anymore. In 3 more decades will anyone ever remember or care that I was Prom King? (My subtle way of bragging. Too subtle or too obvious?) That I was captain of my soccer team and that year we made it to the state tournament? (once again some bragging, but now you are privy to my douche-baggery, so now it seems obvious) To sum up those questions, most probably not. And ya know what? I am glad. Those are not the things I want to be remembered for. If I am able to change one life, just one, for the better and change their belief in their own self worth then THAT is what I want to be remembered for. Since I haven't made a New Year's resolution for '11, then hot damn, I think we found it. And if it comes from something terrible but it changes them for the better then so be it. You cannot lash out at what makes you a better individual.

At this point in time I feel like I should divulge something about my past. I was arrested when I was 18 for something so STUPID that I sometimes hate myself for it. And I loathed the very earth that police officer walked on from that day forth. But this experience changed my life. For the better. I am now a much more conscientious person. I think of how someone would feel if I went through the same experience. I try to analyze my decisions and be a better person for the sake of it, not for an extrinsic reward, not to get a gold star, but just for the sake of wanting that individual's comfort sustained throughout our interaction. So they can think "Hey, he was a lot different than I thought he was going to be." And if 'different' is bad in their eyes, then may I never give them the opportunity of my presence again.

The problem right now is that it is 2:15 A.M. and I have class at 10... But in no way do I feel like I am done writing. Although, honestly, I don't think that will be possible. This blog will go on for a long time and me laying on my death bed before I will ever feel like typing "Fin." My stream of consciousness is unceasing which is amazing and terrifying at the same time. Oh well. Gotta deal with it 'Like a Boss.'
[Sidenote: These posts are going to be laced with things that I think are hilarious. Song lyrics, comedian references, you name it, it will probably show up here eventually.] You see, referring back to the being arrested section, I loathed that man who read me my Miranda rights and put the restricting metal bands around my wrists and sat me down in the back of his black and white. At that moment while I was sitting on the hard plastic shell of a seat that had housed far more violent and terrible people than me, I knew I couldn't continue down this path. I knew I had to make a change stop trying to fuck my own life up. I knew what I needed to do in my life. And now nearing the end of my Junior year in college, just around the bend from 'real-life' I know what I want to do. What my mission is. And that is a comforting thought.

I will probably regret posting this without reading it first but although I know I am new at this I firmly believe that this sort of uninterrupted stream of thoughts and ideas is as pure as they come. There is no chance for over analyzing. No chance for regret. As my boy Phil Knight would say: Just Do It. GO DUCKS!! (thought I would throw that in there) Because I was so busy being the good host and introducing myself I forgot what truly made me start this blog. Girls. The saying was never more true: Can't live with them, can't live without them. Like a typical male in the prime of his life, the thought of girls is never far from the surface. The anatomy is so perfect yet so perfectly flawed. The power of attraction can tear someone apart inside. Oh the apple of my eye. If only I was yours.